I’m afraid of ruined teeth, bent back, and not able to have a child
by Špela Kranjec
I had anorexia nervosa. It’s no longer a secret. Even though I was ashamed and hid my condition for nine years, I can speak openly about it today. I even wrote a book about my experience. Initially because I wanted to bring that part of my life to an end and turn over a new leaf, but I then realized I could help many people with my story. This idea of helping others got stuck in my mind and I had to make it happen.
In addition to the book, I wrote articles describing my feelings while suffering from anorexia. I described what anorexia even looks like, provided advice on how to treat it, and many other things. Today, I would like to write about the consequences of an eating disorder.
Today, a few years after my recovery, it seems as if there aren’t any consequences. And at first glance this is true. A stranger on the street will only see a young woman, with a normal physique, who doesn’t really seem to be lacking anything. But I know that the truth is quite different.
Probably the least harmful truth is that a small part of my mind will never completely forget my physique, my weight, and healthy food. I do have a weight limit that I will not go over. This means that I still occasionally weigh myself, and I still watch the food that ends up on my plate. Of course, I don’t weigh myself every day, and I do indulge in “junk” food. What I want to say is this: I will never completely give up this idea of how I’m supposed to look.
Food also became a kind of emotional companion. Sad or happy, crying or laughing, I can think of food at any moment – either to use it to console or reward myself. Obviously, my body got used to this constant thinking about food.
But both of these things seem to some somehow … human? Well, tell me, who doesn’t take care of their self at least a bit, watching what they eat? Who doesn’t want chocolate when sad, and who doesn’t want to celebrate success with a delicious dinner? I am more worried about the consequences that may not have yet manifested themselves….
Bones, teeth and babies
For example, about two years ago, I got a scare from my gynecologist. Some changes were detected. None were serious, and the whole thing was resolved in a single day. But this experience got me thinking: did I ruin my health because I was taking antidepressants for so long?! Did the pills have an effect on my health? My gynecologist assured me that what happened was not due to pills, but how can I be 100 percent sure?
I was at my dentist. He commented than my gums have receded. What was that supposed to mean?! Is something happening in my mouth? Is something wrong? What if by starving myself I caused damage to my otherwise healthy teeth? The next night, I couldn’t even sleep, preoccupied with the thought of my teeth falling out!
I didn’t have my period for a few years, and today everyone notices I have bad posture. Will I have osteoporosis? My chances are increased of getting this horrible disease. Only because I wanted to be thin and didn’t eat, even though we all know that wasn’t the only problem. I can’t believe that I caused this risk all myself. In just a few years, will I have to be extra careful, since a small fall could fracture my hip?
What happens when my boyfriend and I decide to have a child? When that time finally comes, when we both want a child above all else, and then nothing. We’ll be trying and waiting, and then realize that my actions had taken away any chance for our child, someone who would have become such an important part of our life! Of course, no one said anything, and things are okay at the moment. But how am I supposed to be sure if we hadn’t tried yet?
I am terrified of all these things! I’m afraid of ruined teeth, bent back, and not able to have a child! I’m afraid a day will come when I will pay a high price for those nine years of anorexia. This is why I know I will do anything to prevent a relapse! I will not give it another chance to ruin my life, hoping that it hasn’t already.
Because of all these fears, I know my book Notice Me is important. You can start reading the free chapter by clicking this link: https://www.notice-me.net/free-chapter/. My story can help many people, and that’s why this book needs to go to every corner of the world. This is not just my story, but our story about happy endings.
My name is Špela Kranjec, I’m 25 years old, and I come from a small European country – Slovenia. I describe myself as a relaxed, simple girl, who loves nature. Together with my boyfriend and puppy, I live in the capitol of Slovenia, Ljubljana, and all three of us spend most of our time in mountains. I am happy, now, living the life I deserve.
Currently, I’m working as an economist in an online fashion store, and spend my free time working on a project on mountains and mountain climbing, as well as on my Kickstarter project, of course. I am actually a nutritional consultant, as I want to help others.
I developed this wish to help others about three years ago, when I won my nine-year struggle against anorexia and decided to write a book. When I developed anorexia, I was still in primary school and had no idea how to face such a difficult challenge – saving oneself. In that moment, I needed help or I would not have made it.
This is what I wish to share – knowledge. I have a lot of experience that can save lives. This led to the Kickstarter project. You can read more about it on my website at https://www.notice-me.net/. In my book, I describe the problems that I faced as a teenager, my crash landing, and my realization that I have to change something if I want to really live a full life. I describe my struggles, and how I fought to become noticed. That I am someone that matters. And that I can now live a normal life. And I want, and feel a need, to share this message with others.
Diana has experienced eating disorders and recovery firsthand, with herself and her daughter. She co-founded The Diary Healer website with June Alexander and has written several blog posts based on her personal experiences in the hope that sharing her stories will give others a sense of community and connection, and give herself some perspective and healing along the way. If you would like to contact Diana, she can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org